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"We All Get Found Sometimes" Thesis ABR 2020

by TLB // TheyLoveThem

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Zovi
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Zovi It's the resultresultresultresultresultresult result result of long-term emotion thought and song
And I thinkIthinkIthinkIthinkIthink that you can not only sing but feel along Favorite track: Summer 2019.
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1.
Summer 2018 02:25
A cold wind blows in the air tonight. A cold wind. It’s the middle of summer. A cold wind. Much like your breath on my body. Did you remember to brush your teeth? I am a statue. Standing long. Standing proud. I am a statue. Rigid in my movements. I am a statue. Crack me open like an egg. What will you see inside, inside, inside, inside? Like a geyser. Like a gusher. Like the long gone air. I’m a tornado. I’m a flourish. A flash in the pan, all part of the plan. Place me in your house, then forget about me. Tell me I bring you luck. Tell me that together we can do anything. When your house gets torn down, down to the ground: Will you remember to bring me? Or am I stuck? Will I fall at your feet? Like a geyser. Like a gusher. Like the long gone air. I’m a tornado. I’m a flourish. A flash in the pan, all part of the plan. A cold wind blows through your empty, shattered house. I am a statue, I bring luck. Will I ever be found? Will I ever be found? Will I ever be found? Will I ever be found? Will I ever be found?
2.
Autumn 2018 02:53
Wandering through the trees. Wondering where we’ll be in 2 years. But I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we burn it. Wandering through the woods. Always misunderstood. Guess I should’ve paid more attention in class. Never learned how to work it. I think a compass never points North (if you’re always facing South). And I know that we’re lost (but we’ll be found somehow!). Making the best of where we are (because home is where you are). And we all get lost sometimes! I’m making my way back to your door. But we all get lost sometimes. I sometimes get stuck in my mind. But we all get lost sometimes. We all get lost sometimes. When the snow’s falling down. When the leaves are gathering round. When the world feels cold, the night is waiting. It’s time for you to decide: Honey crisp apple pie, or The full moon coming out? Guess it’s time to scream and shout That my compass never points North (I am always facing South). I know that I am lost (but I’ll be found somehow!). Making the best of the stars (I am lost in the stars). And we all get lost sometimes. I’m making my way back to my door. But we all get lost sometimes! I sometimes get stuck in my mind. But we all get lost sometimes. We all get lost sometimes. When the forest hits that pitch. I know it’s the end of it. When I am lost … When I am found. Maybe my compass points North (if I just turn around). I know I might seem lost (but I am found somehow). Making the best of the stars (I am home in the stars). And we all get lost sometimes. I’m making my way back to my door. But we all get lost sometimes. I sometimes get stuck in my mind. But we all get stuck sometimes. We all get lost sometimes. We all get found sometimes. We all get found sometimes.
3.
My summer home is filled with books and movie posters, Whiffs of things we used to share. My summer home is filled with lots of boxes of Clothes and wigs I used to wear. My summer home opens out on a lake where we used to Swim, now it’s just frozen air. Fitting itself in the corners and floor boards and cupboards Of teapots hand painted with care. My phone starts to ring as I wander the halls. I listen robotically to my voice on the end of the call: “They’re gone now. They’re gone now. Come home, put your key in the lock.” “They’re gone now & you know they’re gone now. Come home, put your key in the lock.” “I will be waiting right here.” “I will be waiting right here.” I step outside. Breathe in crisp winter deeply. My soul anguished with the thought of you leaving. I pack up my car. Take one last look around, And when I blink, it’s all gone. It is just fertile ground. I imagine a garden planted after the last froze. The flowers would bloom and twist toward the warm sun. For now there’s nothing but the lake and the sweet winter snow. I bless the ground with a kiss and then turn around to go. My car hits the pavement with that old familiar hum. I turn the radio on, and I hear the chorus has begun: “They’re gone now. They’re gone now. Come home, put your key in the lock.” “They’re gone now & you know they’re gone now. Come home, put your key in the lock.” “I will be waiting right here.” “I will be waiting right here.”
4.
Spring 2019 02:00
I take a shower when I get home. I scrub my body from head to toe. I clean every part of myself I can clean. But that just doesn’t seem to do enough. There are just some spots that soap can’t touch. I still smell the stink of you on me. The mirror is fogged when I step out of the shower. I use a free hand to wipe with a towel until I can see myself staring back, lovingly. I smile and say “You are beautiful. You are loved.” “You can do anything you set your mind to.” Telling myself every day helps me recover And I know depression will not find me here. There are days when I am better. Days when I am worse. Days I wish there were someone by my side. The dark fantasies of ending my life at this point have all but subsided. I perform my shows. I put on my face. I tell my stories. I try to be brave. Talking about mental illness allows me to feel free. I look out at my audience and say “You are beautiful. You are loved.” “You can do anything you set your mind to.” “Telling yourself this every day will help you recover.” “And I know depression will not find you here.” Telling myself this every day has helped me recover. And I know depression will not find me here.
5.
Summer 2019 03:42
The sun comes up over the hill. And I watch the day begin again. The Red-Breasted Robin teaches its babies to take flight. They will be gone long before the night. Flowers and leaves on the stems of every plant I see. Growing up toward the sun. Twisting vines hoping they will feel the light. Even plants can pick fights. I open up my heart and soul to you. Just like a flower faces the sun would do. I am opening my heart and soul to you. I am budding. I am brand- Brand new. As each day comes and then it passes I find myself growing. I am still growing. Planting my roots as I reach toward the bright Blessed day, and the dark sacred night. What a world we’re in. Doesn’t matter what age I am. The trees may be tall but I can stand tall too. What a world we’re in. Doesn’t matter what age I am. The trees may be tall but I can stand tall too. I open up my heart and soul to you. Just like a flower faces the sun would do. I am opening my heart and soul to you. I am budding. I am brand- Brand new. The sun comes up over the hill. And I watch the day begin again.

about

"We All Get Found Sometimes": An Arts-Based Heuristic Study on a Queer Music Therapist’s Expressive Music Journaling by Travis Benson (They/Them), MT-BC is the thesis component to this song cycle.

Abstract from Thesis:
This arts-based, heuristic research documents my process of creating a song cycle based on the themes gathered through lyric analysis from personal, emotional improvisational songs posted on Patreon.com between July 2018 and September 2019. The 35 songs are sorted by season, and were written based upon the major themes prevalent within each season. The result is a 5-song cycle connecting past to present, excerpts from different journals kept during the process, and the data collected from the lyric analysis. This author claims improvisational songwriting through expressive music journaling (EMJ) to get in touch with one’s deep/subconscious feelings is an effective way to: process trauma, grief, and mental illness; that it is able to bridge gaps of time; and that it will help to regard personal material one might not want to dissect without a creative outlet.

credits

released November 30, 2020

Credit to Stitch Pugliese & LogicPaws Sound Lab for recording this for me!
Credit to my past-self for inspiring my present-self on my journey toward my future-self.

©Travis Love Benson 2020

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TLB // TheyLoveThem Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Hey! I changed my name and am releasing as TheyLoveThem now!

Check me out here:
TheyLoveThem.Bandcamp.com

Weird, Queer, Anti-Folk Folk-Punk Mother Folker.

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